MYSTERY SONG: Alex Clare – Too Close

Pasty superstar or aspiring fisherman? Photo from

Pasty superstar or aspiring fisherman? Photo from

Is it worse to be out of the loop at 34 or being totally in tune with Nicki Minaj at 34?  Why would I like pop music now when I didn’t like it as a kid either?  Granted pop music back then was Toad The Wet Sprocket and Big Head Todd & The Monsters.  (All the bands back then sounded like bad Mario Brothers villains.)

So, to see what I’ve been missing out on, I decided to find a “hot” new single from a singer/band that I’ve never heard of and then watch the Youtube video twice.  Once without sound and one with sound on.  I wrote down my thoughts before and after I watched/listened to see if I was close.  I wasn’t.

I chose Alex Clare’s “Too Close” from a top ten list, because the name was so generic I couldn’t tell if he was Disney pop, pop punk or polka.  I’ve never even heard of this person, but he has nearly 37 million views on Youtube so he’s probably not a total fluke.

Here goes…

Okay, so I see a Ginger.  He’s got that hat that Gingers wear to make them feel like they’re Irish or from Philly or something.  Very exciting.  He’s sitting down so this must be a slow song.  Dude is pale enough to be in Evanescence.   Oh, there’s a boxer.  No, wait…a ninja?  I am at a loss for what the connection between Lucky and the Last Samurai is , but Paddy McGuiness here looks like he has to take a dump on that chair.  I’m really glad this guy is indoors.  He’d probably get a wicked pissa of a sunburn if he went out into the sun.  Does Brother Ali know somebody’s impersonating his grandpa?

If I didn’t know better, I’d think that this was a heavy metal video.  Grey tones, people with swords.  But it’s gotta be some of that Mumford & Sons crap.  This dude totally wants a banjo.  He definitely has more than one coat made of tweed.

Oh his singing is getting more intense as the ninjas fight!  I imagine he’s saying something like “No, no, ninja’s don’t fiiiiiiiight.  You are probably hot chicks underneathhhhhhhhh.  We are all friendssssssss………don’t fight, let’s go eat some potatoooooooos!”  I guess there’s a reason why I’m not a songwriter.

Seriously?  This is a video?  “Yeah, yeah, I got this great idea.  We got this warehouse…these frickin’ Tae Kwon Do students are gonna hit Nerf sticks together and you’re gonna kinda sit or stand there and not seem happy about it.  Not like super mad, or anything, but just kind of against it.  It’s gonna be great!”

Okay, now time to listen to this song…

WHAT. THE. FUCK?  Michael Rappaport sounds like the guy from Maroon 5?!  I was way off on this one.  To be fair though, if you saw this guy walking down the street in that hat and those clothes with that complexion you’d think he was on his way to a Flogging Molly concert.

You know you’re a pretentious douche though when your wikipedia page reads like this: “Clare adopted his current stage name, Alex Clare, in 2010, replacing Alexander G. Muertos, a pseudonym he first used whilst still at school.”  WHILST?!  You better be pursuing a degree in geophysics and space chaplaincy if you’re going to use anything whilst at school.

I can’t give this guy too much shit though because obviously he’s a success.  But it pisses me off that Sabertooth/Mr. Rogers is a millionaire and meanwhile I just bought toilet paper from Family Dollar.

So kudos to you, pasty white pop superstar.  I don’t like your music, but you’re not hurting anybody.  You sure don’t sound anything like you look, but neither did Mike Tyson.

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