Steely Dan Is The Worst Band In The Universe

Steely Dan sucks.

Steely Dan sound like Captain & Tennille if they smoked weed.  Except the weed was really pencil-shavings and everybody at the party is playing Magic The Gathering.  Every time I hear one of their songs, I feel like someone’s playing a prank on me.  Nobody really likes this shit, right?  Somebody from Steely Dan surely won a bet with the president of radio in 1974 and nobody ever caught on.

No, I don’t care that they’re named after a dildo.  That doesn’t make them cool.  That makes them pathetic that their name is more interesting then them.  Check it out, my name’s Thrusting Jack Rabbit.  Aren’t I cool?  No, I’m not.  Because now I have “names of dildos” in my search history and I spent two minutes deciding if “Thrusting Jack Rabbit” was funnier than “Japanese ‘Strawberry Shake’ Dual Action Vibe.”  Besides, Michael McDonald used to be in Steely Dan and there’s no dildo in the world that can un-lame that.

“But what Steely Dan did with melody and key changes in pop music is unheard of, outside of prog rock.  And they had top 10 hits with subversive lyrics people still misinterpret to this day.  Ahead of their time.  And not for everyone.”  Yeah?  Well, somewhere somebody’s the best at fiddling a poodle’s balls.  Doesn’t mean I have to respect it.

I can prove that I hate Steely Dan.  It’s not just some weird bias I have because I got pantsed in 4th grade in front of school while “Deacon Blues” blasted out of some passing hillbilly’s truck.  I’ve hated Steely Dan since I can remember, but I’d only heard their songs one by one.  However, once I was at a party and the worst sounds to ever hit my ear-drums drifted out of the stereo.  I didn’t know who the band was, but I kept thinking to myself that every song on this album sounded like god-awful elevator music.  Like what Rush Limbaugh would sound like if he were a type of music.  Just bloated, atrocious yacht-rock music for coke-heads who are somehow too fat to move.  I got up to check and see who the band was.  Fucking Steely Dan.  I knew I hated Steely Dan!

Maybe you love Steely Dan.  I pity you.  You have horrible taste in music and secretly nobody likes you because you’re a freak.  You probably also like dressing up like a baby while an elderly woman puts baby powder on your butt.  You are a weirdo and really we were all going to have an intervention for you but we’re all a little scared that you’ll try and play some Steely Dan.

And nothing is worth that risk.

Steely Dan sucks.

I'd rather have Paul Reiser in my band.  Photo from paraorkut.com

I’d rather have Paul Reiser in my band. Photo from paraorkut.com

69 thoughts on “Steely Dan Is The Worst Band In The Universe

    • Nothing can ‘un-lame’ this blog…. except maybe a nuclear winter that destroys every reasoned being on the planet except you and my wife. She also hates ‘Talk Talk’. Maybe a divorce is overdue.

    • Clicking on the link, I got a more complete view of the idiot who authored this article and the guilt I initially felt at judging him based on the title of his article was completely erased. Nobody who criticizes any musician that harshly and then posts their favorite Insane Clown Posse lyrics on the same page (or even HAS favorite i.c.p. lyrics, for that matter) can possibly have even a remotely valid perspective on what good music is. btw, his Michael McDonald theory is also complete shite, because the Doobies were one of, if not The, best bands of all-time.

      • Michael McDonald is the worst thing to happen to music. He ruined the Doobie Bros. He ruins any atmosphere where his music is played.
        Steely Dan is better than Michael McDonald, but only barely. Talk about a buzzkill, definitely not party music, just quiet background to conversation music at best.

    • a good laugh to read this shit, you should leave this world and go on a deserted island – have a nice trip and don’t come back

    • You know, I do get that a lot of people don’t like Steely Dan. It’s an acquired taste. I confess that it took me years to appreciate the more brilliant parts of albums that I actually owned in the 70’s.
      Similarly, I didn’t see much in Shakespeare then, either. I thought it was unnecessarily wordy and … well, just “hokey”. I didn’t get the Diary of Anne Frank, either. So what, a girl living in a closet. Who cares for that. Garlic? How could anyone like garlic?
      So my point is, as we get older and more mature, our tastes grow, and we’re able to appreciate the subtlety of Shakespeare, and the layers of flavor in foods of which garlic is merely one, and understand the struggles of people in otherwise unimaginable situations. It’s all about having a full frame of reference to appreciate them.
      And Steely Dan is like that. Trying to fully appreciate that with an undeveloped mind is like viewing the Mona Lisa with the lights out. It just can’t be done.
      So, back to this Mikebrody…..

      Perhaps you simply lack the tools and experience to appreciate Steely Dan.

      Have you even mastered the kazoo? That might be the first step on the road to appreciating a band which I do concede is VERY difficult to get for a lot of people.

  1. Couldn’t agree more. Jerks I work with have Steely Dan Thursday. All Steely Dan all day. I want to blow my brains out.

  2. Steely dan has more talent on their worst song than you can ever hope to have in your entire life. If you can’t appreciate their complexity and fusion of jazz and rock, then that’s fine. Not everybody likes them. But to go as far as to say that they’re the worst band of all time AND isnulting their fans proves that you’re a fucking loser.

    Picture a middle finger, now sit and spin on it you cunt.

  3. This is truly sad. Steely Dan is one of the greatest bands of all time due to the revolutionary way they approached music. No band before hand or since have composed songs of such lush harmony and wonderful idiosyncratic lyrics culminating in a slick cohesive result that no other band has yet to really achieve. Your reasoning to why you dislike them is immensely unjustified with no clear reasoning to why you disdain them, for this I pity you .Your ignorance and stupidity have prevented you from embracing one of the greatest bands of all time and for that you have missed out on something truly wonderful. Finally I would like to say as far as I am concerned, and I am unequivocally certain I am not alone in saying this, the Dan are far superior in every way to the so called compositions that Emerson, Lake and Palmer unfortunately released. Without a doubt those especially spiteful songs released by the unmemorable band that was Emerson, Lake and Palmer will forgotten by future generations. But the Dan will live on due to the immortality of their timeless writings and that is more than enough gratification for me to know that you, your small mindedness and poor excuse for a band will be consigned to oblivion never to be remembered again.

  4. Pingback: The Only Thing Worse Than Steely Dan Is Their Fans | Boogie Woogie Brody

  5. Ok…but still…I don’t see why you HATE them. I could understand hating Walter Becker…he’s kind of a dick. But Donald Fagen is a fuckin genius… and as far as your comment about the yacht and yuppie thing…I couldn’t agree more but the only “REAL” Dan fans are other musicians. I know this to be a fact. Can’t buy a Thrill and Countdown To Ecstasy were great albums. Others prob don’t agree but the professional old head musicians that I know would agree. How many years have you been playing, Brody? Nevermind…I don’t really care. I’ve been listening to Steely Dan since I was 14 fuckin years old in 90 fuckin 1. And now I know that the only thing in this world that would better than listening to S.D. by themselves would be S.D. on fuckin’ heroine. Where’d you get the Quaaludey thing? I don’t get that.

  6. This is the most stupid thing I have ever read. If you play an instrument yourself you have the right to talk bullshit about Steely Dan. But if you have no idea about music and her complexity, you should shut your mouth.

  7. Steely Dan sucks shot. It’s boring music for old southeast that have no idea what it means to rock.

  8. He’s a comedian, guys. Says so right there on the label. Does he really hate Steely Dan (and love Tom Waits, the combination implying that he’s just a hipster poseur)? Or is he just trying to be funny? My guess: The latter. Not particularly funny in my opinion, but hey, that’s comedy: Hit and miss.

    • I suspect that he would be one of those people who love Frank Zappa, but they love it for the outrageous lyrics, and never realize that Zappa was about the music, and the lyrics were just for the dumbfucks too stupid to understand the music.

  9. The main reason why I can’t listen to their music is because they (intentionally) record it ‘dry’ and ‘dead’ sounding especially the drums. No room sound, dead air you can’t hear the ebb and flow of a ‘live’ vibe except maybe more so on their first album. Also, they have a million session musicians, I mean it’s overkill. Led Zeppelin had 4 guys that covered everything (including production) and experimental recording techniques to enhance the listener experience (Wish You Were Here Record another amazing example) If I’m going to get stoned, I’m throwing on Wish You Were Here not Aja 🙂 Seriously, Steely Dan is not in the same class as Pink Floyd or Led Zeppelin, I would go so far as to not classify them as ‘rock’ and definitely not cutting edge experimental ‘jazzy’ art music like Frank Zappa who pushed the envelope 100 times more than Steely Dan in that era. IMHO they’re boring on purpose, it’s a trick to fool your ears and they won!

    • I’m with you Brother! What about…Yes? I LOVE Yes. And thanks for mentioning Pink Floyd. Listen to Yes and then Steely Dan. Stoned or not.

  10. Thank you for this article. Steely Dan is the absolute worst band of all time. I would rather hear Justin Bieber, and No Direction on repeat than hear this trash. I heard the song Deacon Blues and it made me want to shoot myself. Deacon Blues is the worst song ever made as well.

  11. “Every time I hear one of their songs, I feel like someone’s playing a prank on me.”

    Someone IS playing a prank on you. The prank is to write songs about drugs, sex, sleaze and petty contempt that only the well educated will understand, leaving the illiterate and the musically unsophisticated thinking that they’re listening to MOR. It’s hilarious to behold.

  12. One of the best music articles I have ever read. I have loved music for more than 40 years but have never been able to express my true revulsion for Steely Dan. Their records should come with warning labels stating severe bouts of nausea and diarrhea may come from listening to this. I have friends whose musical tastes I previously respected go on and on about how much they love the smoke weed and listen to Steely Dan. My respect for their musical taste would instantly crumble. Steely Dan is in the elevator music in hell

  13. Haha! I laughed pretty hard. Very straight forward and uncompromising post. You write very well.

    I have just begun digging into Steely Dan, (I dont wanna leave any corner of rock untouched) and I’m not very impressed. There are some cool themes etc but it’s way too cheesy and pretentious for me to sit through an album.

    • Whar an idiotic website. If people think Steely Dan is the world’s worst band they have obviously not listened to the likes of Coldplay, U2, and many others

  14. I’ve never liked Steely either. Overly pretentious is the best way to classify their noise trying to be music. Never knew they were named after a dildo, it truly fits their musical hole that’s for sure.

  15. A comedian who apparently can’t write a joke to save his life criticizing people with plenty of actual talent. Color me surprised. Where was your last gig, Pete’s Bar & Grill just down the road, where you wait tables to pay the rent?

    Must be depressing being a writer who can only get a rise out of people with posts like this. Got one out of me as well, so congratulations, hopefully that’ll help you sleep at night.

  16. Wow you have absolutely no idea who Lasted Bangs was do you. He could have delivered a critical review with more vile in fewer words. I find your discourse merely diatribe about what you don’t like. Not necessarily insightful or helpful just uninformed bias. Welcome the new generation I guess

  17. The criticisms here are not based on any intelligently-based observations which would reflect possessing considerable musical knowledge.
    I know a few country music musicians and they all think Steely Dan is great.
    I find that those who have a problem with Steely Dan,
    invariably are not musicians themselves.

  18. I used to LOVE Steely Dan… But now that you pointed out the flaws in their music…. I just can’t listen to them anymore!

    It’s like when I was a kid, and I loved watching Speedbugy or Jabberjaw or Hong Kong Fooey on a Saturday morning, but now… MAN… So painful to watch.

    HORRIBLE!!!!

    Steely Dan is just like that. What the HELL was I thinking??? I think my parents were taking drugs when I was conceived, I was a stoner baby, and the high is just now wearing off.

    I have to go now… Have to totally re-examine my life.

    I’ll be back in an hour.

  19. I’m sorry that you can’t appreciate The genious of these guys frankly sometimes I really think
    They sold theirs souls For fame,furtune And The ability to write some dam great music, that you don’t like it’s not so strange as we are all different. But that you write about this “dislike” well this is special I can’t decide whether you are a moron or had nothing else to do when you penned this particular drivel.

  20. That’s a lot of vitriol for a band you hardly hear anymore, when there’s so much truly horrible music out there to hate that’s every fucking where you go. Have you heard Kanye West? I’d rather listen to my Grandparents fucking, but you can’t escape that horrible bag of shit. I was in a sports bar and fucking Miley Cyrus came on, who fuck wants to hear Miley Cyrus in a sports bar? One Direction, Justin Bieber, dubstep, you can’t get away from that shit. It attaches itself to your face and eats your brain. At least Steely Dan is real music played by real musicians. Your opinion is stupid.

  21. I think you hit the nail on the head. Especially the song ‘Dont take me alive” where they talk about crossdressing their old man in agrabah…straight crap

  22. here-here! I can’t agree enough with the review. I just can’t bear Steely Dan’s over-produced, ‘slick’ (as one fan has it) sound – it’s just schlocky dreck to me, and I’ve really tried to like it, having a close friend who’s a rabid fan.

    I don’t know what causes it, but I have a visceral repulsion to it – like I get from elevator or saxophone music, or from eating something that has a sludgy, unnerving viscosity – like I imagine spooge might have (and I don’t mean to turn anyone off spooge here: again, just not my thing). I get that it’s really really well put together, but that’s part of the problem… I discern zero soul and zero interest in it.

  23. Brother, I feel your pain. Steely Dan sucks. I grew up in the 70s and I LOVE 70s music. But these guys gotta go. Their music sucks. They all sound like their drunk and trying to harmonize. They sound worse than the dive bars my Dad used to hang out in when he thought the family wasn’t looking. I think the fans in the 70s were a bunch of luded out sleezy hippie wanna bes that would try to schmooze clueless psuedo intellectual chicks and they all became pathetic yuppies in the eighties but this stupid group of people get maudlin over their pathetic 70s existence.

    Hey Nineteen. End of story.

  24. “I know a few country music musicians and they all think Steely Dan is great.”

    Yeeeah. Country Music sucks too. The same mind numbing beat song after song. Know what happens when you play country music backward?

    You get your job back, your wife back, your dog back…

    Led Zeppelin – great fucking music! At least the beat changes and the switch it out change tempo, etc. Fool in the Rain is a perfect example. Wonderful lyrics with the music mimicing the rain…excellent stuff. Rachmaninoff is brilliant, Holst, Chopin, BB King, James Brown, Loggins and Messina even if you want to go folk 70s rock!

    I’m with the Hong Kong Fooey Guy. It’s painful to listen to Steely Dan.

    Hey Nineteen that’s Reetha Franklin? What the hell? Borderline pedophile writes sleezy lounge lizard sound…go figure.

    Hey Nineteen? Egads.

  25. Pingback: THE INFORMATION #924 JANUARY 20, 2017 | dimenno

  26. Calling Steely Dan “the worst band in the world” makes you unqualified to speak on music. Go listen to whatever hipsters listen to these days.

  27. Pingback: Day 32: Area 6, Is This Our New Normal? | area6canyoureadme

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