Steely Dan Is The Worst Band In The Universe

Steely Dan sucks.

Steely Dan sound like Captain & Tennille if they smoked weed.  Except the weed was really pencil-shavings and everybody at the party is playing Magic The Gathering.  Every time I hear one of their songs, I feel like someone’s playing a prank on me.  Nobody really likes this shit, right?  Somebody from Steely Dan surely won a bet with the president of radio in 1974 and nobody ever caught on.

No, I don’t care that they’re named after a dildo.  That doesn’t make them cool.  That makes them pathetic that their name is more interesting then them.  Check it out, my name’s Thrusting Jack Rabbit.  Aren’t I cool?  No, I’m not.  Because now I have “names of dildos” in my search history and I spent two minutes deciding if “Thrusting Jack Rabbit” was funnier than “Japanese ‘Strawberry Shake’ Dual Action Vibe.”  Besides, Michael McDonald used to be in Steely Dan and there’s no dildo in the world that can un-lame that.

“But what Steely Dan did with melody and key changes in pop music is unheard of, outside of prog rock.  And they had top 10 hits with subversive lyrics people still misinterpret to this day.  Ahead of their time.  And not for everyone.”  Yeah?  Well, somewhere somebody’s the best at fiddling a poodle’s balls.  Doesn’t mean I have to respect it.

I can prove that I hate Steely Dan.  It’s not just some weird bias I have because I got pantsed in 4th grade in front of school while “Deacon Blues” blasted out of some passing hillbilly’s truck.  I’ve hated Steely Dan since I can remember, but I’d only heard their songs one by one.  However, once I was at a party and the worst sounds to ever hit my ear-drums drifted out of the stereo.  I didn’t know who the band was, but I kept thinking to myself that every song on this album sounded like god-awful elevator music.  Like what Rush Limbaugh would sound like if he were a type of music.  Just bloated, atrocious yacht-rock music for coke-heads who are somehow too fat to move.  I got up to check and see who the band was.  Fucking Steely Dan.  I knew I hated Steely Dan!

Maybe you love Steely Dan.  I pity you.  You have horrible taste in music and secretly nobody likes you because you’re a freak.  You probably also like dressing up like a baby while an elderly woman puts baby powder on your butt.  You are a weirdo and really we were all going to have an intervention for you but we’re all a little scared that you’ll try and play some Steely Dan.

And nothing is worth that risk.

Steely Dan sucks.

I'd rather have Paul Reiser in my band.  Photo from

I’d rather have Paul Reiser in my band. Photo from

82 thoughts on “Steely Dan Is The Worst Band In The Universe

  1. BRAVO!!!!!! Kudos to your article on exposing this pile of sacred
    cow shit that is Steely Dan. (Or better known as one dead cuck
    and one live douche’ who on occasion beats his wife to the
    sounds of Catholic Priests sodomizing The Vienna Boys Choir!!!)

    And for you Steely Fans, you need to read this: What do The Beatles,
    Johhny Cash, Chuck Berry, Black Sabbath, Motorhead, Mile Davis,
    Jimi Hendrix, The Yardbirds, Cream, John Coltrane, Bad Brains,
    Bob Dylan, Muddy Waters, Little Richard, The Clash, The Ramones,
    The Sex Pistols, The Stooges, MC5, The Rolling Stones, Bo Diddley,
    The Animals, The Who, The Kinks, Deep Purple, The New York Dolls,
    Howlin’ Wolf, Slayer, Jeff Beck, Led Zeppelin, Robert Johnson, Neil
    Young, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Black Flag, Fugazi, James
    Brown, Otis Redding, Elvis Presley, Alice Cooper, David Bowie,
    Van Morrison’s Them and The Pretty Things all have in common.????

    Answer: They are REVOLUTIONARIES who truly
    changed the musical landscape forever embedded
    in the cosmos and universal consciousness!

    Ravi Shankar, Sun Ra, Sonny Boy Williamson II, NWA, Grandmaster
    Flash and The Furious Five, Joe Tex, Public Enemy, Buddy Holly,
    Run DMC, The Misfits, Arthur Lee, Wilson Pickett, Charlie Parker,
    Carl Perkins, Gene Vincent, The Damned and Jerry Lee Lewis…..
    …………….Also REVOLUTIONARIES!!!!!!!

    Steely Dan …….Never been REVOLUTIONARY, never will be!
    Steely Dan is the soundtrack for pedophiles, animal fuckers
    and serial killers …….POKE THAT BUBBLE……POP BIOTCH!!!

    Steely Dan are an equivalent to crabs feeding on the yeast infection
    of Baraba Streisand’s pussy!!! LOL


    STEELY DAN SUCKS DONKEY COCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    (That’s an actual quote from The Ghost of William S. Burroughs!)

    (Should’ve died in plane crash years ago…..MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!)

    KICK OUT THE JAMS, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Pingback: #66: "Aja," by Steely Dan. | 100 Favorite Albums

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