The Only Thing Worse Than Steely Dan Is Their Fans

Steely Dan's Box Set - Only $300!!!

Pictured: Steely Dan’s box set – Only $300!!!

This March, I wrote a blog describing in great detail my burning hatred of Steely Dan.  It didn’t go over well with their fans.  Except for two positive comments, including one that I had to delete because it inexplicably ended with a jab at “The Jews,” they were all foaming at the mouth mad.  So in the spirit of communication, let me address each of them in chronological order:

SD1

Strangely, this first one is the only one I agree with.

SD2

Wow, what a lucky woman!  Between her having to iron your sweat pants every day and being forced to listen to horrendous 80s synth-pop while driving you to the food court, I can’t imagine why your marriage wouldn’t be going great? (Even Talk Talk doesn’t like Talk Talk.)  Be honest, you’re not married.  Your “wife” is a small tree trunk chopped down with lipstick smeared on and a wig.

SD3

Bad taste in music and no sense of humor is a lousy way to go through life.  But what I can’t figure out is how can fans of the most Quaalude-y, 70s elevator music band of all time be so angry?  How much cocaine do you have to ingest before your energy level rises above Bob Ross?  And other than cold and fruit, the word “fusion” should never be associated with anything, ever.  Especially jazz.

SD4

This one might actually be my favorite, because I freakin’ can’t stand Emerson, Lake & Palmer.  They’re the only band that might rival Steely Dan in pompous, self-congratulatory noodling.  So I knew that a bunch of prog-rock dorks’ heads were going to explode like Ian Anderson tipping over after too many one-legged flute solos.

SD5

If there is one thing I want readers of this particular blog post to understand, it’s that if I ever say the words “lush harmony and wonderful idiosyncratic lyrics culminating in a slick cohesive result” please stick an ice-pick into both of my ears in a slow, jiggly fashion.  ICK!  Gross!  Seriously?  I guarantee this guy talks to his toast.

For the record, I love punk rock and anything with heart.  Bad Brains, Black Flag, Ramones, Replacements, The Clash, Jonathan Richman, Tom Waits, Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash, the Louvin Brothers, reggae, world music and on and on.  I.e. the opposite of Steely Dan. It’s not about musicianship.  But do you know what I don’t do if someone doesn’t like that stuff?  Cry in my glittery unitard and throw my 45 keyboards around in anger.  Because I’m an adult.

Feel free to leave more hate mail on this blog.  But rest assured, your anger makes my soul glow bright.

Acting president of the Steely Dan fan club.  Photo by gamekyo.com

Acting president of the Steely Dan fan club. Photo by gamekyo.com

28 thoughts on “The Only Thing Worse Than Steely Dan Is Their Fans

  1. Joey would be ashamed to have you as a fan. How can you be so critical and be a Ramones fan? It’s retarded to condemn a band because you think they suck and anyone who listens to them are buttfucks. ,Maybe youre not wrong for your opinions but I’ll tell you what I learned from Joey Ramone: He taught me that we can be on both sides of the spectrum. I LOVE Steely Dan but I also LOVE the Ramones. My point is there is room enough for everyone to enjoy EVERYTHING. You said you like Johnny Cash and Bobn Dylan too. And no one really asked you what the fuck your prob is anyway. I’d like to know why you hate S.D. so passionately?

  2. Ah, I see that got u fired up! I guess you missed the WHOLE part where I mentioned WHY he would be ashamed…and you still didn’t answer the gahdam question! Why do you hate them? And now I’d like to know why starting a blog about S.D. was so interesting to you, anyway. AND btw, Joey didn’t HATE any music , dammit…except GAHDAM Bruce Springsteen.

    • You didn’t fired up. I’m pointing out your error. I wrote two blog posts about steely dan so if you can’t figure it out, I can’t help you. Who are you, Joey Ramones grandma? How would you know all his opinions.

  3. AND how dare you put “the Ramones” and “punk rock in general” in the same sentence. You maybe should do some research on the Ramones, in General.

  4. Grandma?? So, you assume I’m a geriatric fuck because I Love Steely Dan? Way off, dude. Anyway, I did my research when I was like 17 so I know what the fuck kinda shit he was int0. Also, I did read your original blog and I tell you with all sincerity…that no one gets why you hate them. I don’t see why you hate them,Idontseewhyyouhatethem.idontseewhyyouhatethemidontseewhyyouhatethem. No. I’m not like them.

  5. Am i bothered that you feel this way?

    No – because nothing can ever deter me from listening to that group – nor can you that away my pleasure – so just continue your infantile squeals – and by the way, exactly how many songs have you written, how many top session musicians have you employed, and how many grammies have you chalked up?

    • Yes, because as we all know, awards automatically equal quality.

      Also, why would this guy be writing songs or employing musicians? He’s not in a band.

      Although, i’m sure that if he were in a band, they’d automatically be better than Steely Dan

      • Yea idk why people argue, “Why don’t you go out there and win a Grammy?” That’s like saying, “You don’t like McDonalds? Why don’t you make your own restaurant chain before judging the quality of our food.”

  6. I doubt whether this group cares about you – they wouldn’t have time because they are too busy creating beautiful music – writing great lyrics – gathering great musicians and producing interesting stuff

    Everyone has their personal taste, but it is sad that you confuse your personal taste with a notion of what is well recognised as quality, originality and skill. You don’t have to like something to appreciate it.

  7. Steely Dan sucks such ridiculous giant blue balls, that, the combination of their terrible synth music and this wonderfully engaging blog of Steely Dan “haterade” are inspiring me to write a script where Steely Dan figures into the opening montage and closes the credits with one of their lesser-played B-sides that displays why “if you’re inspired by Steely Dan while driving to work or a weekend outing” you should promptly quit your job on Monday, pack your bags and head as far away from the metro away you currently reside, as your skills and educational level will allow.

    Dallas, TX screenwriter

  8. I like Steely Dan, as you do……. But yours is more in that poking at a girl in sixth grade cuz she’s cute and your emotions and frontal lobe have not connected properly. Your humor is great and makes the blog palatable in that ” I am almost sophisticated enough to make the jump from the metronome of sardonic humor to actually embracing things without fear of being a sentimentalist…… Which you are and which you fear, but your struggle to go upstream and spawn and finally let go of this blog as your fins rot off is way entertaining

  9. Well, the “Dan” comment got me to your blog, but now that I have nosed around and find that you are in comedy…….. This whole blog is just an ant farm of comments you loath ( meaning agree with you on even the slighest quark)and the tasty little bites of those who don’t……..like a stone against the blade. Be well….happy trolling!

  10. I found this blog through my google search of “Steely Dan sucks”. I was listening to the radio at work and they were on again. It made me think, who likes this garbage? It’s like watered down jazz with limp wristed corporate sleazy rock. At no point in my life have I ever been like “sick! Steely Dan is on the radio!” in fact it’s quite the opposite. I’d rather sever my testicles with a dull spoon than listen to this awful lackluster “jazz fusion”. I did however learn that they were named after a dildo…. Which is very fitting. Because steely Dan and their fans are boring, out of date, irrelevant dildos.

  11. Steely Dan is awful. What ever musical techniques and harmonies they use to create their awful music is irrelevant, the product is still trash that makes me want to die when I hear it… Keep fighting the good fight Brody.

  12. You really are not a very good comedian or a writer. I don’t say this in a fit of anger, I say this as a writer and as a fan of comedy. It’s fine to not like Steely Dan, or their fans, but at least try to be funny, or somewhat witty in your insults.

    “Be honest, you’re not married. Your “wife” is a small tree trunk chopped down with lipstick smeared on and a wig”

    “please stick an ice-pick into both of my ears in a slow, jiggly fashion”

    “Acting president of the Steely Dan fan club”

    With a wit like that, you could be the opening act for Dane Cook — if he performed for an audience of 20 people.

  13. Pingback: THE INFORMATION #924 JANUARY 20, 2017 | dimenno

  14. Steely Dan fucking sucks. Period. And their fans are the worst lot America can offer. Let me put it this way, they didn’t win the election, and they aren’t winning in musical taste.

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