There are several candidates for scariest band in the world. Some people think it’s Marilyn Manson. Others shiver at the thought of Norwegian Black Metal or GG Allin after a Mexican buffet.
But make no mistake, scaredy-cats. The most terrifying band in the world, without question, is Billy Bob Brockali & the Rock-afire Explosion.
Screw whoever created this demonic robot band. They turned what should have been a delightful trip to ShowBiz Pizza Place in 1984 into a fit-throwing hellride. I distinctly remember trying to line up the ceiling pole with the giant, menacing, man-eating, keyboard-playing gorilla so I wouldn’t have to look at him. I was too afraid to even touch my bland, cardboardy pizza.
Granted, I was also scared of Gloria Estefan & The Miami Sound Machine, because I literally thought that the rhythm was gonna get me. So I was a bit of a pussy, but still. In six year old Mike Brody’s mind, every time that spawn of Satan/Michael McDonald wannabe pushed a keyboard button, another one of his chimp-minions ripped the face and genitals off of hordes of unsuspecting children. Strangely, his name was “Fatz Geronimo” and according to the Rock-afire Explosion Wikipedia page, Fatz is “a parody of real-life entertainers Fats Domino and Ray Charles.” So, terrifying and racist? Nice combo, ShowBiz Pizza Place! Thanks for the memories.
The rest of the band consisted of other inappropriate horrors like a wolf with a ventriloquist doll, a “loose” mouse named “Mitzi,” a dog with a pornstar name (Dook LaRue) and a John Wayne Gacy-esque bear in overalls.
Eventually, like a habitual criminal with a long rap-sheet, ShowBiz Pizza Place quietly changed their name and morphed into Chuck-E-Cheese. Do not be fooled. Billy Bob Brockali, Fatz Geronimo and Looney Bird are just biding their time and waiting until you forget. Then, like the clown from “It,” they will return to claim their blood. And with a Rock-afire Explosion, they will eat all the first-borns of the world and rule for a 1000-year Reich.
I hope that shitty pizza was worth it.