Steely Dan Is The Worst Band In The Universe

Steely Dan sucks.

Steely Dan sound like Captain & Tennille if they smoked weed.  Except the weed was really pencil-shavings and everybody at the party is playing Magic The Gathering.  Every time I hear one of their songs, I feel like someone’s playing a prank on me.  Nobody really likes this shit, right?  Somebody from Steely Dan surely won a bet with the president of radio in 1974 and nobody ever caught on.

No, I don’t care that they’re named after a dildo.  That doesn’t make them cool.  That makes them pathetic that their name is more interesting then them.  Check it out, my name’s Thrusting Jack Rabbit.  Aren’t I cool?  No, I’m not.  Because now I have “names of dildos” in my search history and I spent two minutes deciding if “Thrusting Jack Rabbit” was funnier than “Japanese ‘Strawberry Shake’ Dual Action Vibe.”  Besides, Michael McDonald used to be in Steely Dan and there’s no dildo in the world that can un-lame that.

“But what Steely Dan did with melody and key changes in pop music is unheard of, outside of prog rock.  And they had top 10 hits with subversive lyrics people still misinterpret to this day.  Ahead of their time.  And not for everyone.”  Yeah?  Well, somewhere somebody’s the best at fiddling a poodle’s balls.  Doesn’t mean I have to respect it.

I can prove that I hate Steely Dan.  It’s not just some weird bias I have because I got pantsed in 4th grade in front of school while “Deacon Blues” blasted out of some passing hillbilly’s truck.  I’ve hated Steely Dan since I can remember, but I’d only heard their songs one by one.  However, once I was at a party and the worst sounds to ever hit my ear-drums drifted out of the stereo.  I didn’t know who the band was, but I kept thinking to myself that every song on this album sounded like god-awful elevator music.  Like what Rush Limbaugh would sound like if he were a type of music.  Just bloated, atrocious yacht-rock music for coke-heads who are somehow too fat to move.  I got up to check and see who the band was.  Fucking Steely Dan.  I knew I hated Steely Dan!

Maybe you love Steely Dan.  I pity you.  You have horrible taste in music and secretly nobody likes you because you’re a freak.  You probably also like dressing up like a baby while an elderly woman puts baby powder on your butt.  You are a weirdo and really we were all going to have an intervention for you but we’re all a little scared that you’ll try and play some Steely Dan.

And nothing is worth that risk.

Steely Dan sucks.

I'd rather have Paul Reiser in my band.  Photo from

I’d rather have Paul Reiser in my band. Photo from