The Only Thing Worse Than Steely Dan Is Their Fans

Steely Dan's Box Set - Only $300!!!

Pictured: Steely Dan’s box set – Only $300!!!

This March, I wrote a blog describing in great detail my burning hatred of Steely Dan.  It didn’t go over well with their fans.  Except for two positive comments, including one that I had to delete because it inexplicably ended with a jab at “The Jews,” they were all foaming at the mouth mad.  So in the spirit of communication, let me address each of them in chronological order:

SD1

Strangely, this first one is the only one I agree with.

SD2

Wow, what a lucky woman!  Between her having to iron your sweat pants every day and being forced to listen to horrendous 80s synth-pop while driving you to the food court, I can’t imagine why your marriage wouldn’t be going great? (Even Talk Talk doesn’t like Talk Talk.)  Be honest, you’re not married.  Your “wife” is a small tree trunk chopped down with lipstick smeared on and a wig.

SD3

Bad taste in music and no sense of humor is a lousy way to go through life.  But what I can’t figure out is how can fans of the most Quaalude-y, 70s elevator music band of all time be so angry?  How much cocaine do you have to ingest before your energy level rises above Bob Ross?  And other than cold and fruit, the word “fusion” should never be associated with anything, ever.  Especially jazz.

SD4

This one might actually be my favorite, because I freakin’ can’t stand Emerson, Lake & Palmer.  They’re the only band that might rival Steely Dan in pompous, self-congratulatory noodling.  So I knew that a bunch of prog-rock dorks’ heads were going to explode like Ian Anderson tipping over after too many one-legged flute solos.

SD5

If there is one thing I want readers of this particular blog post to understand, it’s that if I ever say the words “lush harmony and wonderful idiosyncratic lyrics culminating in a slick cohesive result” please stick an ice-pick into both of my ears in a slow, jiggly fashion.  ICK!  Gross!  Seriously?  I guarantee this guy talks to his toast.

For the record, I love punk rock and anything with heart.  Bad Brains, Black Flag, Ramones, Replacements, The Clash, Jonathan Richman, Tom Waits, Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash, the Louvin Brothers, reggae, world music and on and on.  I.e. the opposite of Steely Dan. It’s not about musicianship.  But do you know what I don’t do if someone doesn’t like that stuff?  Cry in my glittery unitard and throw my 45 keyboards around in anger.  Because I’m an adult.

Feel free to leave more hate mail on this blog.  But rest assured, your anger makes my soul glow bright.

Acting president of the Steely Dan fan club.  Photo by gamekyo.com

Acting president of the Steely Dan fan club. Photo by gamekyo.com

Steely Dan Is The Worst Band In The Universe

Steely Dan sucks.

Steely Dan sound like Captain & Tennille if they smoked weed.  Except the weed was really pencil-shavings and everybody at the party is playing Magic The Gathering.  Every time I hear one of their songs, I feel like someone’s playing a prank on me.  Nobody really likes this shit, right?  Somebody from Steely Dan surely won a bet with the president of radio in 1974 and nobody ever caught on.

No, I don’t care that they’re named after a dildo.  That doesn’t make them cool.  That makes them pathetic that their name is more interesting then them.  Check it out, my name’s Thrusting Jack Rabbit.  Aren’t I cool?  No, I’m not.  Because now I have “names of dildos” in my search history and I spent two minutes deciding if “Thrusting Jack Rabbit” was funnier than “Japanese ‘Strawberry Shake’ Dual Action Vibe.”  Besides, Michael McDonald used to be in Steely Dan and there’s no dildo in the world that can un-lame that.

“But what Steely Dan did with melody and key changes in pop music is unheard of, outside of prog rock.  And they had top 10 hits with subversive lyrics people still misinterpret to this day.  Ahead of their time.  And not for everyone.”  Yeah?  Well, somewhere somebody’s the best at fiddling a poodle’s balls.  Doesn’t mean I have to respect it.

I can prove that I hate Steely Dan.  It’s not just some weird bias I have because I got pantsed in 4th grade in front of school while “Deacon Blues” blasted out of some passing hillbilly’s truck.  I’ve hated Steely Dan since I can remember, but I’d only heard their songs one by one.  However, once I was at a party and the worst sounds to ever hit my ear-drums drifted out of the stereo.  I didn’t know who the band was, but I kept thinking to myself that every song on this album sounded like god-awful elevator music.  Like what Rush Limbaugh would sound like if he were a type of music.  Just bloated, atrocious yacht-rock music for coke-heads who are somehow too fat to move.  I got up to check and see who the band was.  Fucking Steely Dan.  I knew I hated Steely Dan!

Maybe you love Steely Dan.  I pity you.  You have horrible taste in music and secretly nobody likes you because you’re a freak.  You probably also like dressing up like a baby while an elderly woman puts baby powder on your butt.  You are a weirdo and really we were all going to have an intervention for you but we’re all a little scared that you’ll try and play some Steely Dan.

And nothing is worth that risk.

Steely Dan sucks.

I'd rather have Paul Reiser in my band.  Photo from paraorkut.com

I’d rather have Paul Reiser in my band. Photo from paraorkut.com